My favorite request of people is for them to tell me a story. It can be an anecdote, it can be a recounting of their favorite meal. But I do like when people tell me made-up stories.

We are not devout, and do not attend church. But for a few years there, my husband used to tell our kid a mishmash of the Easter story made cute for baby ears involving Bunny Christ and his various adventures and sacrifices.

Our kid used to make up stories of adventures that he would go on with his favorite stuffedie, a prairie dog.

At one point, to amuse the kid, I wrote a re-imagining of Snow White that involved a bunch of kids and a spaceship. I really liked that story, and I was pretty sad when no agents picked it up.  I may have to retool it now that I know more about how to cater to those audiences.

I was going to write a fairy tale for you guys, but I am too cynical. Fairy tales have magical elements and fantastical plots, but they are rooted in morals and good guys and bad guys, so anything I write cloaked as a fairy tale is bound to offend someone who disagrees with my view of “good” and “bad.” And since I’m also all over the map politically these days, I’m bound to offend people across the spectrum if I take my usual actions-have-consequences approach——although I will say this little thought exercise opened my eyes to how many fairy tales seem to reward bad behavior. Jack robs a giant. Hansel and Gretel, left unchecked, would have literally eaten the witch out of house and home. Looking back on it I am kind of surprised that one of Cinderella’s stepsisters didn’t win the prince by chopping off a part of their foot. (I’ve always thought I should update that story and make Cinderella hit up her fairy godmother for a small-business grant instead of some glass shoes so she can open a laundromat or a Merry Maids—but not today. Again, cynical.)

So instead, I’ll talk about a fairy tale that has always confused me no end: The Twelve Dancing Princesses. (If you don’t know it, you can read it here: https://etc.usf.edu/lit2go/175/grimms-fairy-tales/3061/the-twelve-dancing-princesses/)

What on earth is going on in this story?

1: The king decrees that if you try to solve the mystery of where these gals and succeed, you’ll be king next. But if you fail, you get your head chopped off. WTF kind of trade-off is that? It sounds like the king doesn’t really want to know the answer.

2: Apparently a bunch of dudes went for it. I get that being king is a good gig, but after the first guy died, surely there would have been a bit of a lull in people taking that on?

3: I actually love that the character who is the key to the story and has the “well, duh, idiots, here’s how you do it,” info is just some random old lady in the woods. It’s always the invisible old women who know what’s up, amirite?

4: The princesses know that the guys who fail are killed, and they think it’s … hilarious? That’s messed up, you guys. I mean, yes, I know I just said above that actions have consequences, and these guys know the stakes going in, but you don’t have to be a bitch about it.

5: The youngest princess gets blown off when her Spidey sense tingles and she hears weird noises. So… maybe this is a proto-horror movie, more than a fairy tale?

6: Where in the name of Hades is this amazing castle and dance party? Who are these princes who live underground?

7: I can see why the soldier would go around whacking branches off trees made of precious metals and diamond, but what’s the significance of the golden cup on the last night? Like a diamond tree branch isn’t more startling and adequate proof?

8: When the soldier spills everything to the king, the reaction is underwhelming. Again, the guy was chopping off heads for failed attempts. But when he finally does get an answer, he’s practically comatose. “Hey, kids, is this true?” And when the princesses are all “yeah,” he’s not mad, he doesn’t punish them or ask to see this weirdo place or meet these 12 guys they’ve been hanging out with or anything. It’s just, “Huh. OK, then. Who ya gonna marry, Soldier sir?”

9: The story tells us the soldier chooses the eldest daughter because he’s old himself, which—OK, nice of him to try to be age appropriate. (Although we aren’t given an age gap, so this still might be kind of ick. How old is old for a soldier?) But … what kind of marriage is that going to be? This princess doesn’t get to marry the guy she’s been dancing the nights away with for however long; her dad makes her pair off with the dude who blew the whistle on all her fun. Guy better sleep with one eye open.

10: It irritates me no end that when the soldier becomes king in the end, there’s no mention as to whether he gives credit where it’s due or what happens to the crone from Item 3 who made it all happen. I like to think he set her up in style as a thank you, but I sincerely hope there’s some version where she she puts a hex on him if he doesn’t.

BONUS: And on the topic of loose ends—what happened to all the guys underground? Did the 11 other princesses keep up their nightly partying with them? Or did they all schlep off to some other underground kingdom? SO MANY QUESTIONS.