Three evergreen jokes—short, medium, and long—that work in almost any situation:

1: A dog limps into a bar, orders a whiskey and announces, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

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2: A duck walks into a pharmacy and walks up to the counter.

“I’d like some Chapstick”, he tells the pharmacist. “Just put it on my bill.”

A little while later, another duck comes into the pharmacy and approaches the counter.

“I’d like a pack of condoms, please,” says the duck.

“Certainly,” says the pharmacist. “Shall I put them on your bill?”

“What kind of a duck do you think I am?!”

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3: A little kid polar bear goes up to his mom and asks her, “Mom, am I a real polar bear?”

Mom is busy but reassures him, “Yes, of course you are. Don’t be silly.”

The kid polar bear is dubious, but sees Mom is busy. “Huh. OK,” he says and walks off.

Goes up to his dad. “Dad, am I a real polar bear?”

Dad is bewildered by this question but confirms Mom’s statement. “Well, yeah. I’m a polar bear, your mom is a polar bear, all your grandparents. So, yes, you are unequivocally a real polar bear.”

Kid remains unconvinced. “Maybe. I dunno….” He shrugs and walks off.

Kid goes to see his grandparents, who have already been alerted to this issue. “Hey, what’s all this about you wondering whether you’re a polar bear?” asks Grandpa.

“Well, am I?” asks the kid.

Grandma tut-tuts. “Of COURSE you are a polar bear. We are polar bears back to the beginning of time. All the way down. 100 percent polar bear.”

“Are you SURE?” asks the kid.

“Sure, we are sure,” says Grandpa. “But what’s going on with you? Why aren’t YOU sure? What make you think you’re not a real polar bear?”

The kid shakes his head. “Because I’m flippin’ freezing, that’s why!”